My Great Resignation
In the end, I must thank the pandemic for helping me get back to my true passion: writing. During my time when I was working from home in the summer of 2020, I had a lot of extra time for writing. I began regularly journaling, writing fiction, and even joined a virtual writing group. I finally felt in my element. I knew what I was supposed to be doing. But how did I get so off-course from my original plan of being a writer? It began at the crossroads of decisions in my senior year of high school.
How It Began
In the Spring of 2009,
when I was deciding on colleges and majors, I watched how the Great Recession
and the electronic revolution forced many major newspapers to close, downsize
their staff, and cut their budgets for print and electronic media. Shocked, I
was forced to decide between choosing a career as a journalist or something
else. If I could remember, I enjoyed the art of storytelling. I would follow
the news first as a child then as a teenager, learning about major world
events. I even began writing for my high school’s newspaper. During one summer
writing camp in 2008, I had started my own personal blog: Estrella.
Yet, I saw the
journalism industry collapsing in front of my eyes, forcing me to forge a new
path forward. I liked to write, but what else did I like? Languages, helping
people, making the world a better place. Through a series of research and my
experience attending a summer international affairs (IR) leadership program, I
realized that I could make a career in government, particularly in the field of
international affairs. I would combine my love of writing, languages, and
public service in a career modeled after Condoleeza Rice’s tenure as
Secretary of State. “I am going to be an ambassador!” I thought to myself at
age 18.
The Journey to the State
Department
However, the road to
the State Department was not an easy one. Semester after semester in college, I
was rejected for internships with the State Department or forced to answer tough
questions like, “Am I able to intern without any remuneration in a foreign country?”
Yes, I was blessed to intern for several wonderful nonprofits and government
agencies, my favorite being the U.S. International Trade Representative. But
the goal of reaching the State Department seemed so far away.
When I graduated from college
in Spring 2013, I had applied for several jobs in the international affairs
industry to no avail. For the first six months after graduation, I was
unemployed until I accepted a job working with AmeriCorps in my hometown of St.
Louis, MO. For a year, I served the previously incarcerated population by
providing them job skill services in the greater St. Louis Metropolitan area. I
found this very fulfilling work, but I knew that I had to get back to my field
of international affairs.
Flash forward to Fall
2015: I was enrolled in a master’s program in international relations and
economics at the Johns Hopkins University School of Advanced International
Studies in Washington, DC. I was learning how to be a diplomat at one of the
best schools for diplomacy in the world. This Master’s program granted me the
opportunity to study with some of the world’s greatest IR practitioners. And I
was able to pursue my degree both in Washington, DC, and Bologna, Italy.
While I was making
inroads within the IR world, I still felt that there was something lacking (or
I was lacking) some skill or expertise, especially when I was hard-pressed to
not find a job immediately after graduation in Spring 2017. Again, I faced the
same scenario – unable to find a job in my field. However, instead of six
months, I did not find a job in my field for a little more than two years.
Nevertheless, I did not
spend those days idle. I managed my father’s medical practice in the meantime,
improving his office policies and processes and expanding his practice’s virtual
presence with a new website and the use of social media. Also, this was the
first time that I learned to be a manager. I was responsible for managing the
medical assistant and overseeing practice operations.
After two years of
managing employees at my father’s practice, I had made progress in identifying
a job in my field – a consultancy job with Deloitte. As I was about to sign on
the dotted line, I received a call from the State Department that my number had
been called from the registrar (e.g., the list of all eligible applicants to
serve in the Foreign Service) and that I had less than a week to agree to
answer the call to serve or not. Excited, I did not hesitate to inform Deloitte
that I could not take the position as a consultant because I was pursuing my
dream of becoming a diplomat. Deloitte was understanding because they did not
yet have an exact start date for my position. So, three weeks after saying yes
to the State Department, I was in Washington, DC to begin training for the next
four months.
So, It’s Begun
Two weeks of
orientation and four months of language training, security training, and education
about the Middle East. That was the culmination of my training at the State
Department’s Foreign Service Institute in Arlington, VA. After I received my
assignment to serve at the U.S. Embassy in Doha, Qatar, I was looking forward
to my departure date in December 2019. It was all really happening – I would be
working in an embassy and would be a diplomat!
On December 6, 2019, I
landed in Doha, Qatar with a case of the flu and spent my first four days in the country
recovering. On my first day in the office, I met the consular chief and the three
junior officers in my section. I would be joining the Consular Section as a
consular officer, responsible for adjudicating visas and processing U.S.
passports and citizenship documents. That same day, I also received a tour of
the Embassy, noting where each office was located. “Working for an Embassy was
going to be very different than most work,” I thought to myself.
The Pandemic
For four months, I
navigated the bureaucracy of the State Department and unending stream of new
presidential proclamations at the Embassy until the announcement came in March
2021 that the consular section would close for services because of the
coronavirus (aka COVID-19) pandemic. My colleagues and I had watched how our
colleagues at U.S. Embassies in the region announced that they were closing, and
within a matter of a few hours, our office closed too. The Consular Chief sent
all the staff home and said to wait for instructions. A couple of local staff
members stayed behind that day to cancel visa appointments, but the junior
staff, including me, were sent home.
I arrived at my
apartment not knowing what the next steps were going to be. I began asking
myself, “Is this really happening? What is coronavirus? How bad is it?
What’s going to happen to my family? What’s going to happen to my career if we
can’t operate in the office?” I didn’t receive answers to many of these
questions until months later, but I began to face the new normal. I would spend
most of my days at home, checking email and taking online training, while a
few core staff members and officers would come into the office weekly to handle
any back-office work, answer the phones, and complete work that could only be
completed in the office.
My birthday passed in
March, and instead of the festive dinner cruise party that I had imagined, I
spent my birthday alone with one friend in my apartment watching a scary movie.
Life had fundamentally changed. And I was truly alone for most of my time in
Doha, Qatar for the following five months until I resumed working in the office
full-time in August 2021.
I would call my family
daily and use video chat to communicate with them about my situation in
Qatar. But communicating with a person 8,000 miles away was not the same as
being with them. I also watched as my younger sister moved from her university
campus during her senior year in college to our parents’ home when the pandemic
began. In a way, I was jealous of her because she was with family during one of
the darkest times in our modern human history. I was alone in Doha, having only
a few friends inside and outside the Embassy.
There were many times
that I wanted to take the State Department’s offer of “authorized departure”
(a.k.a. authorized evacuation from an embassy to the U.S.), but my arms were
tied. How could I take authorized departure when the rest of the officers in
the Consular Section were leaving that summer after ending their tours? Someone
had to stay behind. I had to remain in Qatar as the sole officer in the
Consular Section – to perform services that only an officer could do – until
the rest of the new Consular staff arrived.
Overall, I stayed
outside the U.S. for 54 weeks involuntarily, separated from my family for more
than a year. And although the pandemic was unprecedented, this occurrence of family
separation was my turning point in my decision to not continue my career with
the State Department. I knew that after that summer, I did not want to pursue a
career where most of my time is spent away from family.
My Inspiration in the Pandemic
Contributing Factors to
My Decision to Leave State
When the new consular
officers arrived at post, I encountered several conflicts between the new
officers and myself on post policies and procedures. While I had enjoyed
harmony with my first set of supervisors, I realized that I was seeing a
different side of the State Department – a very bureaucratic, robotic side –
that did not encourage creativity or open discussion. For the first time, I was
seeing the State Department as it is – an institution built on hierarchy not a meritocracy, assimilation rather than innovation. And that’s when I had culture
shock – I saw myself outside the culture of the State Department and knew that my
creativity and willingness to bring new ideas forth was not welcome.
In addition, my work
hours became longer with the new set of officers. Often, there were no
boundaries between work and after-work hours. I began to work on weekends at
least once a month. There was one incident where I slept overnight in the
office to process a diplomat’s visa to the U.S. This was not good for my
personal life or my mental wellness.
So, my great
resignation was becoming formalized at this stage. By December 2020, I began
contacting companies in the private sector, particularly public relations firms
where I thought I could contribute my writing skills. The next decision was: do
I leave State early or do I finish my contract in December 2021?
2021: The Year of New
Beginnings
In December 2020, I
left Doha for my four weeks of ‘rest and recuperation’, returning to the U.S.
to see my family in the States. I was finally reunited with my loved ones and
those that knew me the best. Also, after being outside the office, I finally
realized how unhealthy the environment that I was working in really was. I knew
that there had to be some changes.
In January 2021, I
returned to Doha and requested mediation services between my direct supervisor
and myself to resolve our issues. Fortunately, the mediation produced positive
results, allowing us to continue working together and communicating openly. Conflicts
continued to arise, but they were addressed at the right time. And I continued
my career search through it all.
By Spring 2021, I made
the decision to fly to the U.S. for two weeks to see a family member who had a
recent negative health diagnosis. I used this break to also network with future
employers, particularly one in my hometown of St. Louis. They were impressed by
my diplomatic background and saw that I had many transferrable skills from my
current position. I was pleased to hear this and gave them a tentative timeline
of starting in Fall or Winter 2021. They said that they would reconnect after
Labor Day. Little did I know that there would be another large conflict that
would jeopardize my reputation at the State Department as well as my ability to
finish my tour in December 2021.
Living through the
Afghanistan Evacuation
Summer in Qatar is
usually the best time to travel outside of the country because the weather is
extremely hot. Because I took a large vacation during Winter 2020, my colleagues
had priority taking time off during Summer 2021. I was still able to take a few
vacations during local or U.S. holidays, so staying in Doha during most of
Summer 2021 was not so bad, despite the hot weather. When there were only two officers
in the office during summer, there were usually fewer passport and visa appointments,
which would make the workload more manageable.
On August 14, 2021, I
received a message from my direct supervisor that American citizens, U.S. legal
permanent residents, and U.S. immigrant visa holders could start arriving in
Doha from Afghanistan that very night. I wasn’t sure what to make of the
message; our office all witnessed how the Taliban had taken over the country in
a matter of days, causing many Afghans to flee or hide. But was it possible for
Afghans and those fleeing Afghanistan to arrive in Doha with only hours’ notice?
When August 15th
came, many Afghans, which also included U.S. citizens, legal permanent residents,
and U.S. visa holders, started arriving at the U.S. bases in Qatar, and the
need was immediate. My supervisor and one officer went to the U.S. base with a
few local staff that week to assist the evacuation efforts. That same week,
there were two officers on vacation, so I was responsible for managing the
Consular Section and providing services to the public.
Fortunately, I had
previously managed the Consular Section during a two-week gap between
consular chiefs in Summer 2020. However, I did not anticipate the American
citizen crises that would occur during those two weeks when I was responsible
for managing the section. One American citizen was jailed; another was going to
be deported, and two American citizen children had come to the Embassy to ask
for help in a domestic violence situation. I did not have the experience and
information to deal with these complicated issues, and my managers were
inaccessible – one was on leave, the other was assisting in the Afghan
evacuation effort. These crises occurred during the regular operations of the
Consular section as well, sometimes with me adjudicating all three services in
one day: non-immigrant visas and immigrant visas in the morning and American
citizen services in the afternoon. If not for the expertise of and assistance
from the local staff, I would not have been able to manage the stress of this
time.
When I had asked my
direct supervisor for more support, she responded that she had no bandwidth to
spare, to figure out the situation, and to continue managing operations until
the evacuation would end. When I asked her if she could recall the deputy
manager to post to help manage these crises, she said that she would not
interrupt the deputy’s vacation. That left me with limited resources and
without support during these crises. I had the Foreign Affairs Manual as my
guide, but it didn’t contain any specific information on how to handle this
unique crisis that I was now facing.
I reached out to my
mentors to explain my situation during the evacuation. They said that while
this was an unprecedented experience for me (aka managing a section during a
crisis), this was not unprecedented in the State Department. They said that it
was more common than not that a junior officer may encounter crises that s/he was not
trained for. And they also reiterated that all resources were going to the Afghan
humanitarian evacuation and that there wasn’t much support to spare to the
consular section in Doha.
I was prepared to
assist in the evacuation efforts, but I was inadvertently charged with
maintaining operations in the consular section. And then I thought to myself,
“Do I really want to continue in a career where I will be encountering more
crises that I am not trained for or in which I am lacking support?” My answer
was no.
So, while I managed the
section those two weeks, I found myself at a crossroads where I felt
unsupported during crises. With the best intentions, I attempted to leverage
the support of the Direct Chief of Mission (second to the Ambassador) to
authorize me to recall the deputy supervisory back to post during the
evacuation and consular crises. While this effort failed and put me in direct
conflict with my supervisor, I felt that I acted in the best interest of my
team and myself. And I also realized that sometimes the hierarchal nature of an
organization can be the organization’s own obstacle and undoing.
This new conflict did
produce positive results. It did produce more communication between the
supervisor and the Consular staff. It also produced a lot of clarity on issues
affecting the evacuation efforts and the consular work being done in the
office. And it did bring the much-needed support back to the office – another
officer – to lighten the workload of myself and the other junior officer until
the deputy returned from her vacation.
But why did it take
miscommunication and conflict to ignite such change? It proved to be more
stressful and harmful to both parties rather than peaceful and productive. This
very experience was a resounding bell on my decision to disassociate myself
from the culture of the State Department.
Where Do We Go Now?
Since the immediate
evacuation in August, the Afghanistan evacuation has become more organized and
has trickled to only a few hundred Afghans arriving in Doha instead of the tens
of thousands that have come before. Yet, the memory of that time is still very
fresh for many Embassy employees, including me. I was only able to
volunteer for one shift during the evacuation. However, the Consular section
was the only section that continued to function without a decrease in services
during the immediate evacuation. The expectation to deliver services and assist
with the evacuation added stress to the Consular staff, including me.
Beneficially, the State Department did address the aftermath of the evacuation on individuals through increased mental health and counseling services provided.
By mid-September, the
Consular Section saw the return of all officers, which assisted in resuming normal
capacity to offer services and for management of the overarching issues facing
the section. A separate team was formed from the U.S. Embassy in Kabul
employees and other State Department personnel to address the evacuation
efforts going forward.
At the Close
Even though I have decided to not continue with the State Department, I wouldn’t have traded my experience serving my country and traveling the world for the last two years. My experience with the State Department was one of a kind. I learned so much about public service and myself. And I made long-lasting friendships with people from all over the world. Yet, I can’t wait for my next adventure in the U.S. in the private sector in a field where I can contribute my writing skills.
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